An Excursion in Parent-Child Training:
Am I training him or is he training me?
Most young parents have heard of the importance of consistency with your child: Choose your methods and stick to them, every time. And it’s likely that almost all of us have also discovered the benefits of the advice “Pick your battles.” Usually most of us figure that one out pretty quick when we find ourselves in the middle of a grocery store with a child in full-blown tantrum mode. Or, take another all too common event in our household…
4 a.m. You hear your child’s voice calling your name in what seems to be a faraway fog as you come out of a dream, resistant and confused…only to realize that your toddler is rolling around in a poop saturated diaper, asking for milk and ready to start the day. In a delirious haze of coaxing and cleaning, and some pathetic attempts to convince your child that 4 a.m. is no hour to start the day, only minutes need to pass before you realize there is no hope for him to fall asleep again. You lie in denial in your warm bed, as he yells protests and begins the process of room dismantlement. You think: a) “He is 2 seconds away from that spanking!” Or, b) “What will make him stop so I can sleep for another hour?” It dawns on you. CARTOONS. At that moment, you inwardly praise God for the makers of modern technology and the Backyardigans and put your play into action. Within minutes, he is quietly contented watching “Race Day” and you are already delving back into your semi-unconcious state. You did it! But what did you just do, exactly?
In the average day, my child says “no” to me probably 20 times. He also receives the due punishment accordingly…15 times. Why not 20, you ask? Okay, I admit it. I am not the most rigid when it comes to discipline. “Consistency!” My husband and I urge each other. And I know it’s true. Our little guy is two. What he learns now sticks, and sets the stage for all his future siblings to follow. “Is mom really serious when she says to brush my teeth?” Mostly. Except on Fridays when end-of-the-week syndrome is intense, it’s already an hour past his bedtime, my head is pounding, my child is throwing a fit and I just want to lie down and watch a movie.
So the question I pose is this: Is there any real harm in picking your battles? Letting your child ‘win’ so to speak, so you can taste a moment’s peace? Or do we always have to be by-the-book consistent for our child to understand who is in charge? If I let him win, does he actually become the one conditioning my reactions to his behavior because I am too _______________ (exhausted, unmotivated, lazy, distracted, busy)? Is he training me or am I training him?
Consistently responding to our children’s behavior in a way that corrects what is wrong and models what is right does them a great service from this day forward. Not only do boundaries create a sense of security and trust within the home, but also teach respect, kindness and consideration in action, which will resonate into every relationship that child will have. Also, we can’t forget the importance of understanding one’s place under authority. We all have to answer to someone. And ultimately, God. Thankfully, he gives us the perfect model of balance. Authority with infinite power and strength, and yet he disciplines with love and guides with gentleness. Every time.
I have learned something from Him on that. It’s in those moments where my son gets caught in the act, obviously guilty but too cute or charming for me to do anything but laugh and kiss him. There are times when my husband and I see that even in his disobedience, sometimes he is just being a two-year-old. Exploring his world and testing out new grounds, seeing how things look or sound after they fall, climbing to the highest point of the make-believe mountain in our living room. Sure those things can get messy, rowdy, chaotic even. But I see now that to experience life, we need to leave room to make that mess, those mistakes, and take those chances. I see the way God loves when I look at my son and realize raising children is not just about rules and who is in charge. When he melts my heart I can feel God’s love for me too. His desire to protect, to teach, and to guide. Not to enforce who is boss, but to show what true love is, and enable me to fully enjoy living life.
I am finding a balance in it all. Compromise is becoming my backup plan. It may not be the perfect way to handle things, but in the end, my son gets a little leeway, and I get full obedience without tantrums and spankings. My stress goes down, and the house is a nice place to be. And so, as I continue on this journey of learning how to be a parent, making compromises along the way to ensure love and training both have their place, I sit back in awe of the love my Father has for me, and I thank Him for how he has guided me in the ways to go, so that I can truly be alive.
4 a.m. You hear your child’s voice calling your name in what seems to be a faraway fog as you come out of a dream, resistant and confused…only to realize that your toddler is rolling around in a poop saturated diaper, asking for milk and ready to start the day. In a delirious haze of coaxing and cleaning, and some pathetic attempts to convince your child that 4 a.m. is no hour to start the day, only minutes need to pass before you realize there is no hope for him to fall asleep again. You lie in denial in your warm bed, as he yells protests and begins the process of room dismantlement. You think: a) “He is 2 seconds away from that spanking!” Or, b) “What will make him stop so I can sleep for another hour?” It dawns on you. CARTOONS. At that moment, you inwardly praise God for the makers of modern technology and the Backyardigans and put your play into action. Within minutes, he is quietly contented watching “Race Day” and you are already delving back into your semi-unconcious state. You did it! But what did you just do, exactly?
In the average day, my child says “no” to me probably 20 times. He also receives the due punishment accordingly…15 times. Why not 20, you ask? Okay, I admit it. I am not the most rigid when it comes to discipline. “Consistency!” My husband and I urge each other. And I know it’s true. Our little guy is two. What he learns now sticks, and sets the stage for all his future siblings to follow. “Is mom really serious when she says to brush my teeth?” Mostly. Except on Fridays when end-of-the-week syndrome is intense, it’s already an hour past his bedtime, my head is pounding, my child is throwing a fit and I just want to lie down and watch a movie.
So the question I pose is this: Is there any real harm in picking your battles? Letting your child ‘win’ so to speak, so you can taste a moment’s peace? Or do we always have to be by-the-book consistent for our child to understand who is in charge? If I let him win, does he actually become the one conditioning my reactions to his behavior because I am too _______________ (exhausted, unmotivated, lazy, distracted, busy)? Is he training me or am I training him?
Consistently responding to our children’s behavior in a way that corrects what is wrong and models what is right does them a great service from this day forward. Not only do boundaries create a sense of security and trust within the home, but also teach respect, kindness and consideration in action, which will resonate into every relationship that child will have. Also, we can’t forget the importance of understanding one’s place under authority. We all have to answer to someone. And ultimately, God. Thankfully, he gives us the perfect model of balance. Authority with infinite power and strength, and yet he disciplines with love and guides with gentleness. Every time.
I have learned something from Him on that. It’s in those moments where my son gets caught in the act, obviously guilty but too cute or charming for me to do anything but laugh and kiss him. There are times when my husband and I see that even in his disobedience, sometimes he is just being a two-year-old. Exploring his world and testing out new grounds, seeing how things look or sound after they fall, climbing to the highest point of the make-believe mountain in our living room. Sure those things can get messy, rowdy, chaotic even. But I see now that to experience life, we need to leave room to make that mess, those mistakes, and take those chances. I see the way God loves when I look at my son and realize raising children is not just about rules and who is in charge. When he melts my heart I can feel God’s love for me too. His desire to protect, to teach, and to guide. Not to enforce who is boss, but to show what true love is, and enable me to fully enjoy living life.
I am finding a balance in it all. Compromise is becoming my backup plan. It may not be the perfect way to handle things, but in the end, my son gets a little leeway, and I get full obedience without tantrums and spankings. My stress goes down, and the house is a nice place to be. And so, as I continue on this journey of learning how to be a parent, making compromises along the way to ensure love and training both have their place, I sit back in awe of the love my Father has for me, and I thank Him for how he has guided me in the ways to go, so that I can truly be alive.
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